Unbranding

By the time Emily reads this in the morning our "excommunication" will be over. And trust me, I am going to be begging for a Skype date after the morning church services!

I think overall it was good that Emily and I refrained from communicating these last several weeks so that she could enjoy London more and I could do my school work better. Because it is still fresh and because I know I didn't do too hot in my school work this semester it felt like torture. But because this next week is going to just fly by it will be nice to enjoy the last week of our long distance relationship before it becomes a "close distance relationship."

Which brings me up to one of the topics of this particular blog post. The meaning behind this blog's name is that all though we are far away from each other we can still be in a relationship that is close to God. Not to mention the very purpose of the blog is to chart and discuss our discoveries from a long distance Christ centered relationship. So are we going to continue the blog? Are we going to keep the purpose the same? And (not as important) are we going to keep the title the same?

Yes. No. Yes.

We are going to keep the Blog current as well as leave the name unchanged.

However, the purpose/content has to be tweaked since the relationship the blog is based off of is being changed (for the better). So this is my proposal. First off, this is still fundamentally going to be a blog about Emily and my growing relationship with one another - that is foundational. But now, we will post our discoveries of a normal Christ-centered relationship with retrospect to disciplines we learned from previously being in a long distance relationship. And last but not least is the title's sake - whether Emily and I are living 5281 miles from each other or if it is only .5281 meters from each other ~ God needs to be even closer.

I hope that wasn't too simple/redundant, but I thought it should be explained.

A week from today Emily will be in my arms and I have never been this excited before in my life. To just limit the description to "excited" feels like an understatement. Our lives will never be the same. And I know just now my affection and love may be taken as naive from an outsider. I think at first I was really concerned about this just because I lead teens and young adults who naively think they're in love and then are dumped a month later. It would be a little hypocritical for me to fall suspect to this same predicament.

But it's not like that and in a lot of ways I don't know what it's like. Emily is the only woman I've ever truly loved and what is about to blossom between us is going to be indescribable to me right now at this moment. I wish I knew specifically what it was going to look like, but alas I am stuck appreciating the mystery. I am constantly try to gauge, measure, or at least find an identifying mark that I could go back to and say this is what our relationship is like. Even a logo, just something to brand it with.

But maybe it's not supposed to be like that. For instance, I was listening to a song recently on Air 1 radio that I previously thought was a song about the Holy Spirit. It is called, "God gave me you," by Dave Barnes. If you haven't heard it, listen to it now and come back to this afterwards = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hQK6GIrpYU

I think this song finds it ultimate meaning to Christian couples who are married. But even now, with where Emily and I are I find myself gravitating to this song. "God gave me you for the ups and downs, God gave me you for the days of doubt." I don't view Emily just as a gift from God, rather I view her as the greatest thing that has come into my life because of God (save Christ obviously). Yet, I know it is only going to get exponentially better than this. God is going to give us to each other more and more until there is no more separating our identities.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy a brandless, titleless, pictureless relationship with Emily. Because I know if we were to ever stop and brand the relationship as one thing we will then live thru yet another experience together and the previous picture will be crudely outdated.

Reggie Joiner puts it better when he says, "Family is a story, not a picture."

So it's time to unfreeze ourselves from this long-distance picture frame and get fast-forwared into the real-time story that is about to begin.

My life

In just two short weeks, I will be on a plane back home. It seems difficult to believe.

I was feeling a bit strange about it today. Obviously, my life is going to change in so many ways once I leave. And while I'm completely excited to go back and start spending more time with Andy, my family and my friends, I'll be leaving a life here. I've become quite used to it, and even though I'm going to something so great, it's hard to imagine what it will be like when this isn't my life anymore. As my very wise sister-in-law Sarah said, "It's not a choice between good and bad, it's a choice between better and best."

God was ready for it, though, because a plan set in motion about a week ago came to fruition today, just when I needed it. Andy suggested that we make a photo record of the things we do each day, places we go, people we see. He posted his today, and I was able to see all the things that I'll be a part of (or at least potentially be a part of) when I get back. An impromptu lunch at Spring of Life, making a trip to QT, pranking Jason's car... those are all things that I can do in a couple weeks. I got to see Andy with my adorable nephew, and know that someday soon I could be in that picture too.

As sad as I am to leave London, going to home to things like this is going to be amazing. I'm still trying to secure a job (or at least an interview) for when I get back, but I have complete faith that I'll get the right opportunity right when I need it. God has always arranged things according to amazing timing, even if I can't see it right then, so I just have to trust that He's going to do the same here. What matters is that I will be home, and the rest will fall into place.

I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and I really liked it. It centred around following your heart and reading the signs that are given to you in life to realise your destiny. While it doesn't reference God in a specific way, I decided to insert His name for most of it. There was one passage in particular that I read at least three times:

It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.

Thoughts like these are getting me through the next couple of weeks. I just hope I stay grounded enough to appreciate what's happening the present, as well.

Speechlessness

Great post Emily, mine is pretty long too!

I have been going through many similar thoughts as Emily has in terms of 'unworthy.' Of course, I feel unworthy of God's love - but at the same time, who am I to place the value on love that only belongs to the creator himself?

As for my relationship with Emily, I definitely feel like I am not worthy of her most of the time. In fact, she calls me out on it. I think for me I am battling the "Ugly Duckling," syndrome. As an adolescent and even into my first year of College I was pretty overweight. For those of you who know my history, you know it was because I was constantly on medical steroids treating my asthmatic symptoms that have a major side effect of weight gain. So yes I wasn't what you would call 'hot' as a teenager.

But these feelings of inadequacy that I battle extend pass just appearances. In the environment I grew up I had positive and negative influences - just like anyone else. Except in many aspects how I placed myself in my worldview was greatly scarred. I grew up around drug dealers, criminals, hard-hearted people and constantly in the presence of those that some would consider the scum of the earth. Do I hate or regret them? No, in fact I have feelings of compassion for them now. When I was a teenager, oh yeah, but not now.

Because of hanging around those people I assumed I would adopt more or less their live stories. In that world that my parents dragged me in to, there was no "true love" between couples. There were no signs of affection that didn't have at least one string of manipulation attached. What I did see in abundance was a multitude of people settling for less. And since I didn't have that great of a self image to start off with, the less than me person I would end up with was practically a nightmare. That was then.

But now we're in the present and you think that would be gone, right? "Andy is more mature now and has surrounded himself in a much better environment. Not to mention he has gone from an ugly status to an okay-looking image, so that has to clear everything up .... right?"

Maybe somewhat and yes I have a healthy self image. But when it comes right down to it, Emily leaves me speechless. So much so that I can't even think of a great enough man that can deserve Emily, let alone having her be a settling option. And yet here I am in a relationship with her not knowing how to adequately display my love for her. I really struggled with this speechlessness this last weekend and so to the best of my ability I funneled my creativity into communicating a snippet of my love for her via a video.

First Tangent Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsTwnDEwEtw

Our lives are going to change in so many ways after December 11th. I think by then this speechlessness will turn into something else. For instance, we will no longer be in a "long-distance" relationship. Duh, no-brainer! So a lot of the E-mailing and chat will subside. The vlog will probably disappear all together because of how incredibly obsolete it will become. Last but not least is the blog that you are reading from right now. Emily and I are already discussing how we will be changing the direction of it. We don't know for sure, but I guarantee that the quality of communication will greatly increase along with clarity. When we are together we can simply show how much we love each other by doing things for each other like surprise scavenger hunts, shouting "I love you" in a public/crowded place, helping the other with a chore, and the list goes on and on.

In the meantime, I'm left speechless. I've seen her, held her, kissed her, and made videos about her - yet still it almost feels like a fairy tale.

Do I believe in love? Yes. Do I believe love is something worth waiting for? Yes. Do I believe under no circumstance should you ever settle for something less than true love. Yes.

I don't recall if I've ever shared this story on the blog, but here it goes:

Second Tangent Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlSEecTpiho

Do I think I deserve Emily or that Emily deserves me? Well, I think that's the wrong question to ask because that's not what love is about. True love is not entirely deserved or earned.

The Bible tells us this about love in:

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

1 John 4:16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."

Love is bigger than our ability to make sense of it. Love is not something you can earn like a merit badge. It's not a video game, it's real. No, it's more than real. In many ways it is divine. To the best of our knowledge, Love is only made available to humans and angels while the rest of creation is left out. God created the possibility for us to love each other.

For that, I am greatly appreciative and ... speechless.

Unworthy

Warning, folks: this is a long entry.

Andy loaned me the book Crazy Love before I came back from St Louis, and I finished it a few days ago. It was such an honest, open and matter-of-fact book that put things into really harsh perspective for me. Particularly poignant was the chapter entitled 'Profile of the Lukewarm'.

When I moved to Tucson for college, I made a conscious decision to take a bit of a break from church. At the time, my father was an Elder, my mom was working in the church office and earning her Master's degree from Fuller Seminary, and both my brothers and my future sister-in-law were going to Bible college... and then there was me: pretty sure I wouldn't be going into ministry and attending a public school. Needless to say, I felt a little out of place, and a bit like I didn't belong. None of them ever did anything to make me feel that way; my mind came up with all of it.

I did search for churches to go to (found a few crazy ones) when I got to Tucson, but my heart wasn't in it. I thought it would be much better to try life without church for a bit, then go back to that life knowing that it was a conscious decision, and not because it was a habit (which at the time is what it had become). I figured that I didn't need 'church' to keep up my spiritual life; I could still study the Bible and live the way I should. Little did I know that this is much harder than it seemed.

Sure enough, I wasn't spending time with other Christians, and it got easier and easier to skip a Bible study or two, or three. Then it became easier to let a few other things slip. Before I knew it, that short break didn't have a time limit. The problem was that it wasn't too much of a problem. I still knew that someday I would break out of this funk, so I continued on the way I was living. I got in a few tricky situations, made a few mistakes, and look back on them with regret. Even then, I knew things could be a lot worse, and that God was protecting me, despite my rebellion. But it still wasn't enough for me to change my life.

Right before I moved to England, I started to get back on track. I did a quiet time every morning, spent more time in prayer, and felt a lot better about things. That void I had been feeling ever since I made this decision was starting to fill. When I came to England, life started moving pretty fast. My course left me with little free time, and I wasn't really sure what church to go to anyway. I went to Hillsong a couple times because I had heard of it before and knew that the music would be good, but God still wasn't a priority, so I didn't really try very hard to go every week. Pretty soon, I was back in the same type of life that I had started living.

At this point, I convinced myself that I was okay because I knew the main things I'd never let slip (mainly saving myself for marriage) and thought I could be a bit more relaxed about the rest. I wasn't too bothered that I didn't go to church or spend time reading the Bible; as long as I was still living a pretty good life compared to everyone else, praying sometimes and not having sex, I was probably in good shape, right?

Wrong.

This way of living still landed me in a few situations that I never thought would happen, and I came closer than I ever thought I would to losing the one thing that meant most to me.

And now, after that long history, here's why it's relevant to the blog.

One thing I've always wanted since I can remember is to get married. Every time someone quoted Psalms 37:4 ('Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart') I thought about being married; that was my desire. Having never been in a serious relationship, I was starting to feel a bit lonely. I kept wondering when God was going to put that someone in my life. Every time I prayed about it, though, I immediately thought of the state of my spiritual life. How could I be asking God for something like this when I was like this? I had definitely been looking in the wrong places, and didn't have a group of Christian friends in which I could meet someone who fit the bill. I could hear God trying to get me out of the funk, but I felt like I didn't know where to start.

Every so often, my beautiful, wonderful sister-in-law Sarah would tell me about a new guy she met that would be perfect for me, and that I should move back home to meet him and get married. So when she started talking about Andy, I was definitely interested to see what he was like. Plus, Eric and Sarah's approval of whoever I marry is really important to me, so the fact that he came recommended was definitely a good sign. But when I heard that he was a pastor, I got really nervous.

I was pretty sure that pastor's wives had to be some kind of superhero. And I don't mean that as a joke: I thought it must be really difficult at times, and that being an amazing woman of God must be a prerequisite. At this point, I instantly felt that I was not good enough for him. Here I was, a very mediocre and lukewarm Christian who had made a lot of mistakes after her deliberate break from God. How could I possibly be what he had in mind for someone to date or marry?

When I told Andy about this, he quickly assured me that it wasn't true. I started feeling a bit better, but still that I had such a long way to go before I was at the level he would need me to be. During our Skype dates, he started encouraging us to pray together, sharing Scripture and a lot of other things that I had not done on my own in a long time. When we spoke about it later, Andy told me that he could sense that I needed a bit of spiritual leadership, and this was about the time when I started feeling less hopeless. Yes, I had made mistakes and my relationship with God was not where it should be, but I could change that.

Then Andy made a comment about how meeting me had changed the way he prayed, and at first I wasn't sure what he meant. Then one day, I was just walking down the street and started thinking about everything God had done for me. When I look back on it all, He had His hand in everything. Not just getting me where I am today (academically, professionally, geographically) but the fact that He never left me, even when I was intentionally misbehaving. And now, I have Andy. The one prayer I have had my whole life has been answered, and in such an amazing way.

The penny dropped: this is yet another blessing of which I am completely unworthy. As Francis Chan says, "This is the God we serve, the God who knew us before He made us. The God who promises to remain with us and rescue us. The God who loves us and longs for us to love Him back. So why, when we constantly offend Him and are so unlovable and unloving, does God persist in loving us?"

So when I read the 'profile of the lukewarm', I found myself reading a description of my life for the past few years. I felt totally convicted. At the end of the chapter, Francis writes, "We are all messed-up human beings, and no one is totally immune to the behaviors described in the previous examples. However, there is a difference between a life that is characterized by these sorts of mentalities and habits and a life that is in the process of being radically transformed."

I don't want my life to be characterised by those mentalities any longer. I'm going to stop waiting for myself to snap out of it and think that it will somehow happen itself and take the initiative.

Matthew 7:7-8 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will be find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Each of those instructions require action on my part. Time to get moving.

Toxicity

"A Whole New World, a new fantastic point of view...." Yes, I am quoting the Disney movie Aladdin. Not necessarily because I like the song but because in many aspects those lyrics, "A whole new world," adequately describe something new in my life. I've underwent a major perspective shifter, worldview changer, and heart lens switcher.

I really do look at the world in a different way. I look at situations as scenarios that Emily and I could experience together. I day dream what it would be if I had Emily to go a do something with after I got done doing what I was doing. When I see something romantic, either in real life or video, I know what that really is like. Maybe it was because the hugging, holding of hands, and kissing was so intense for me. Or maybe it was the sheer fact that physically being with Emily has given me a constant in my life that forces me to look at my world by pivoting from that location.

To make my blog posts more interactive, I've decided to start adding tangent videos. They will usually be around 1-2 minutes long that add to what I am saying in a way that can only be spoken and not written. In other words it will be a hybrid of a blog and a vlog. Here is the first:

(Technical Difficulties, I have to upload these videos on Youtube because blogger is being difficult)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYvZWjcVbK0

With that said I progress to my next flow of thought which is what I kind of got around to telling Emily in my last email to her. Basically, we are going to fight off any chance of leading a half life. What a "half-life" means is having our daily lives in our respective cities working and then in our spare time glued to a computer screen eeking out whatlittle communication we can with each other. Emily only has 5 more weeks in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I want her to enjoy. On the other side of the coin I am here in AZ with a full-time job as well - not to mention way behind in online course work because of foot surgery and strep throat! Although it pains me to say this, maybe long distance relationships aren't as great as what I have painted them to be.

In fact, lengthy extended periods of separation are not good for any relationship, including our relationship with God. Sure different couples can have more stamina in terms of separation than others. But there comes a point when the distance itself creates a void that can't be filled. I can't take care of Emily when she is sick and vice versa. She can't hug me whenever she feels like it. We can't go to each other for meaningful comfort when we've had a bad day. To be down right honest; a long distance relationship has the potential to be toxic. If not watched carefully, than a half life begins. And not just a half life in the sense of a divided life between work and the computer. But also a half-life in that the quality of life is also diminished. I don't want that toxicity for Emily and I.

What do I mean by that? Second Tangent Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9GkwJQllAM

Whoa there, calm down. I don't mean: I don't want a long distance relationship with Emily. What I mean is I don't want to lead a half-life relationship with Emily. I don't want that element of toxicity to diminish the quality or our relationship and our lives. I love Emily too much for that.

So with that said you should pick-up that our future blog posts will be coming from a pure and refined long distance relationship. Facebook hit-and-run posts = yes. Emails = yes. Blog & Vlog = yes. But no chat and no Skype (the main ones).

Please pray for us as we dominate some Fukagawa Toxicity.

Back in the city

Apologies for the delayed blog go to my few, but faithful, readers.

After coming back to London, I was on a high for about a week. Just thinking about that weekend in St Louis and how amazing it was to actually spend time with Andy kept me in a goofy-smiled stupor pretty much all the time. Most of the time, I'm annoyed that things get in the way of thinking about him. The problem is that most of those things are important, like work, for example. As I was already ready to leave the job, it's been tough sometimes when this is what gets in the way. But knowing that I'll be home in a short while has made it much easier to go about my day.

Then there's the time difference. When I'm at work, he's sleeping. When I'm off work, he's at work. When he's off work, I'm sleeping. Fridays and Saturdays are our major relief and possibly the only thing keeping us sane. Before St Louis, it was the anticipation of meeting for the first time that made the countdown frustrating. Now, however, I find myself unable to wait for the time when I'll be able to see him so frequently. The time when we can make a plan in two minutes on a whim and it can actually happen. It's a great thing that we're both looking forward to.

The countdown has officially begun: five weeks from today (almost to the hour) I will be landing at Sky Harbor and racing through the terminal to meet Andy, the man who made it happen. We were skyping when he bought the plane ticket, and I can't remember ever feeling that way before. He is such a caring, thoughtful and amazing guy, and I can't wait to spend more time with him. I'm sure that the words I just used to describe him are only a cursory glance.

I have to echo something he said in his last post: I've never been in love either. I remember thinking that I was in love in high school. Looking back now, I can't even remember why I thought that, considering that I barely knew who I was and what it meant to say something so serious. But now, I'm absolutely sure about this one. I know that my love for him will grow deeper the more time we spend together. Now I just have to be patient until that time comes.

I think that if I had stayed for another year, what is starting between the two of us could have been very different. Of course, the intentions would have been the same, but I feel like our relationship has reached a certain point where it can't progress until we spend time together, and experience things together. I'm feeling extremely happy that we know when that will happen, rather than wondering when I'll be able to get time off work and buy the plane ticket home, etc., and all that just for a short visit. This is much better, indeed.

But before that comes the hard part: we have decided not to skype for the remaining time that I'm in London. Essentially, I want to ensure that I make the most of the time I have left here with my friends, and that will generally include dragging them out to museums and other sites I haven't yet seen. It will be bitter-sweet.

I'm so thankful and grateful that God has made all this possible. I've always been blessed in my decisions (whether I realise it or not) but this one takes them all. My life's biggest prayer has been answered, and is better than I could ever have imagined. I'm eternally grateful and will never fully understand why I deserve such a great man.

I'm also reading the book 'Crazy Love'. Once I've finished, my next post will summarise what I've learned about myself.

Until then; over and out.

"What is Love?!" - Night at the Roxbury

This past weekend, I too had a lot of very surreal moments.

1. I went to a monthly encouragement-group of youth pastors in the east valley and really felt a lot of support from the church at large. If you are a pastor and do not meet regularly with other pastors like yourself, you need to change that ASAP.
2. I rode on my first airplane ride ever!!!!! Just kidding. But I did fly in an airplane on Thursday, which is rare, and actually slept thru most of it.
3. I went to St. Louis, MO to meet my girlfriend in person for the first time. WOW! So many things lead up to this even in just a half hour span before seeing each other in the foyer of the airport. When the plane landed and I was fully awake I had a huge case of the jitters and an adrenaline rush like no other. As I got off the plane I realized by breath smelled like peanuts and crackers, so.... I swigged some listerine mouthwash only to discover there was no place to spit it out between my exit terminal and the exit to where Emily would be on the other side. So I swallowed it, which may have relieved the nerves surprisingly. Turned the corner, and there she was.

Here are my conclusions after my first few days in St. Louis about Emily:

• She is absolutely breath-takingly gorgeous!!!! Yes, I knew she was a pretty girl thru seeing her on skype and stalking her on facebook. But being in person I got the up close and personal view of who Emily is.
• She is a good navigator.
• She is really caring and passionately smart.
• She is a good kisser.
• She is lite. So much so that I never tired of picking her up to give her a bear hug.
• Holding hands with her is like crack to me.

An extremely important realization that came after our time together was a unique feeling of contentedness. A few months before talking with Emily this summer I pretty much had my mind and heart solidified on being single. I was content, okay, and resolved about being single. But the contentedness I am feeling now is not like that. This feeling, this choice, is one of the most calming and peaceful sensations I would never want to hold back from even my worst enemy. I love Emily.

I love Emily so much that I constantly am praying and checking to make sure that my love for God is still over my love for her. Thankfully this is the case. In fact, my love for God has really deepened because of my love for Emily. Not because I ‘love’ God because I am thankful he gave me a girlfriend. That really doesn’t make any sense. I love God more now because I have experienced love first hand. Strong feelings of compassion and thankfulness by themselves is not love and is not worship. Now that I know that I can better love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength and love Emily more than I do myself.

This may sound naive, but I have never been in love before. Last year I really thought I was in love, probably twice. But looking back those we’re just crushes mixed with a Christian-College’s pressure to get married before you graduate. I am a very passionate person and I really hope I don’t overwhelm Emily with how I communicate my love for her. When I was waiting in the airport for 6 hours to leave St. Louis I think I wrote four sonnet-poems exclaiming my love for her as well as brainstormed creative ways like an edited video for her. But yeah, this is super surreal as Emily mentioned.

How could this be so perfect? God. Maybe God didn’t create us specifically for one another as “soul-mates.” But I will tell you that because Emily and I have pursued Him separately and have wrapped our identities around that, it should be no surprise that things start coming together so that we can pursue God and his will for us as a couple.

Somebody warn Einstein, reality has taken on another dimension.

Surreality

This past weekend, I had a lot of very surreal moments.

1) I went to St Louis, MO for my younger brother's wedding. It was so great meeting Brandy and her family. She is 100% awesome, and I think they're perfect for each other. It still hasn't hit me that my 'little' brother is married, though...

2) When I landed in Minneapolis for my connecting flight, I got to watch the last half of a baseball game. Oh sweet relief. Too bad the stupid Yankees won. But hey, they're out of it now, suckers.

3) I was surrounded by American accents, and had to fight the urge to look around and locate the my countrymen/women.

4) I spent time with my nephew, who is, without doubt, the cutest little boy in existence. Sorry to all the other mothers out there, but I have proof. Contact me privately if you need it. The last time I saw him, he was crawling, and this time he couldn't be stopped while running around in his Chuck Taylors.

5) I ate the best candy in the world: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

And last, but certainly not least...

6) I was able to speak to the man, Mr Gibbons, in real life. We already knew so much about each other, yet I still had those jitters about meeting him for the first time. I was actually shaking in the airport; partly because they decided that a comfortable temperature for everyone would be around freezing, and partly because I was nervous. But then he finally came out of the terminal, luckily not wearing an ASU shirt, as I feared when I saw another similar-looking passenger.

Here are my conclusions about Andy after our weekend together:

• He is tall. Really tall. I knew he would be, of course, but it didn't really hit me until I was standing next to him.
  
• He is a good driver.
• After the initial shock of seeing each other through our own eyes instead of a computer screen, it felt remarkably normal and familiar to be around him, which is exactly what I had hoped would happen.
• He is extremely sweet and thoughtful.
  

And perhaps the most important realisation came after something Andy said about marriage after we watched my brother tie the knot. We had spoken about marriage before as an eventuality, as something we knew would happen someday. But I think both of us unknowingly removed the significance of it: taking two people that were once separate and making them one.

While Andy and I have definitely started the process, we still have some work to do before we're ready for this step. It will be amazing, but this is something that can only happen through frequent interaction, spending time with each other, seeing each other in bad moods, having a fight, making up. I'm sure we will go through all of them.

Note: I had to publish this post in a bit of a hurry, and didn't realise until later that I've actually missed out what I really wanted to say...

I love Andy. That's right, I dropped the l-bomb. He is so amazing, and I feel so incredibly happy and comfortable when I'm with him. This time in St Louis was so necessary, because I don't know how I would have made it had we not been able to see each other at this point. I'm so happy that now when I zone out in the tube, it's because I'm remembering something rather than spending my time imagining what it will be like when we finally meet.

I'm so excited to be able to start a relationship that's not separated by 5,000 miles and eight hours of time difference. I know that the more time I spend with him, the more I will love him.

How could this be so perfect? That's the most surreal part of this past weekend: that he is real, and we are real.

Reality Check

There are so many feelings and thoughts buzzing around my heart and mind. All of them of course find their source with Emily. I don't want to steal any thunder from her future blog posts but basically Emily has had to decide for herself whether or not to stay in London for another year or come back in December. Her last post was definitely about that decision process and I bet she will blog about that decision later. So I will just focus on my side of it, which is not as epic as her side.

Spoiler alert: Emily is coming back sometime in December. Oh yeah, I wish I could try to bottle that feeling and study it. I have been giddy for 2 days straight and am still immensely happy today. I had blood work taken on Monday which took several attempts - with a smile and dazed look on my face. Yesterday I had surgery on my foot to get a screw put in it (yeah yeah, I got 'screwed' haha), and had an amazing drugged up dream of us being together, and then once I woke up it wasn't even a big deal. Today, the foot hurts a little ~ but at the same time I know that if it heals according to plan I will get this boot off on Monday so I can dance with Emily at her brother's wedding.

I take note of all this because I am having a huge reality check. Emily and I are really going to be together, not just in St. Louis for the wedding - but actually living in the same city spending time with each other every day! This isn't just some electronic social commitment that could potentially turn into a half-life as a friend of ours pointed out. This long distance relationship is slowly going to cease to exist to become a close distance relationship.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like what Emily and I have right now isn't special. But she would agree with me that it isn't enough for the long haul. I have a few friends back at Manhattan Christian College that joke around with me that I created Emily's profile and made her get "in a relationship" with me. Obviously for you people out there that know Emily this is ridiculous, but at the same time - if Emily and I could never be with each other what would be the difference? I still stand by what I said in a previous blog post, that I would wait the needed time to be with Emily in person. I'm glad that the time needed is now 2 months - which is still going to feel long.

This reality check has also been reassuring for my desire to keep our relationship fresh and on the cutting edge. What I mean by that is being able to communicate between us the very best and most creative ways without being in person. She made the first jump from short Facebook messages to long emails. Then I think I kept on pushing the envelop with initiating a Vlog that we can share videos back and forth and now with the Blog that you are reading. I can't remember who suggested Skype, it was probably Emily, either way that has been the best so far. So I started looking into other ways we could deepen our long distance relationship. After hours of research and reading thru a new book about it I realized there were only a few things we haven't done yet - that we were getting to anyways. We haven't done letters yet because they are obsolete. However, I am hoping to get her a care package later this month or early november via a friend in England. (Just don't tell Emily, I want it to be a surprise)

The fact that she is coming back now is so amazingly impacting because we've never been in each other's presence. Then again, I think I will be able to better appreciate this reality check after my St. Louis reality check where I discover Emily is a real girl I can hold, kiss, and be there for her. This is really happening.

I will end with this. At MCC last year I heard this Japanese guy's name mentioned among the students called Fukagawa (pronounced: Foo - caw - gah - wah), and have wanted to use it for a whole new word in English. Emily and I have done that. When we are Skyping or chatting and undergo a deep passion to be with one another in the same room but cannot because we are separated by over 5000 miles is when we exclaim, "Fukagawa!" The 'definition' of Fukagawa is the wanting/needing to be with each other to but being unable to do so. In 8 long days we will put to bed feelings and thoughts of fukagawa for about a 4 day coma. But then it will come back for a little over a month in full force for then we will know what it's like to be with one another. But mark my words Fukagawa - we will end you, your days are numbered, and prepare to die!

It's time for a Reality Check.

God help me

It's the choice of a lifetime, I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be for certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up, hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light.

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for would someday appear
I'll be too late for that flight
So I hold it up, hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light.

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared. Is my life at stake?
But I know if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

Now as soon as I'm moving, my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold up the light.

It's too late to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here, each a possible way
But wait, and they all will be lost roads
Each path's growing shorter the longer I stay.

I was dead with deciding, afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
Trust that the timing is right
I will hold it up, hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light.

Smalltown Poets - Hold it up to the light

Diving Down The Rabbit Hole

Things are getting pretty serious. Not only am I feeling things that I never have until this point in my life, I am also going deeper on a commitment level. I have truly invested more of myself into Emily than I have to my best friends - that is something I never that I would say, let alone be actually true! But it is, and Emily has invested a lot of herself into me as well which I greatly appreciate. Yet, there is an end to this rabbit hole we have been traveling down.

We eventually do reach a limit to where our fledgling electronic relationship meets a deepening road block. It is impassable? No way. But I really do think that until we meet each other in person in St. Louis we won’t be able to get pass it. We obviously want to be together, but at this point in our relationship I think it is more of a need than a want. Which is why I am ecstatic we will get to spend several days together this month in St. Louis. As it is now, we find ourselves staring at each other on Skype because that is the best we can do right now. Do I want to reach my hand out and brush her bangs out of her face - you bet! But if I try, my fingers simply bump up against the computer. So close, and yet so far far away.

I really do admire Emily for her spot in our relationship. And she will admit it that she is the one that is away. She is not a bad person for it, but the distance is in fact there. Wanting to be together has to be a lot harder for her than it is for me. I am not the one that has to face the tough choices of what it would mean to get back home before my well laid out plan. I’m not the one that has to determine whether or not to hastily finish a chapter of my life just to start another. And I’m not the one that is in the circumstance where it is easy to feel guilty and want to people please. Worst of all for me, there is nothing I can do (relatively speaking) to help Emily with her spot in this whole long distance thing.

That may be where my admiration for her comes from. That is, in the sheer fact that I have full confidence she will “make the right choice when the smoke clears away.” (As I told her already). We both had an expectation of who the person is going to be that we would end up with. Luckily for me, whichever choice she makes at this point she has already passed my “independent/confident” requirement with flying colors! In fact, she has passed all of my wants/expectations easily and then some.

I already have a lot more topics I want to blog about. Such as: how my worship relationship with God has matured since meeting Emily, understanding words with romantic themes more, and even how our real relationship with God is very much like a long distance relationship where the 2 shall soon meet and not have to worry about being separated by so many obstacles any more.

We’ll see how this GIBBORIS blog evolves, in the meantime - time to burrow farther down the rabbit hole.

Comfort

Andy's last post was very comforting. At times I feel a bit guilty, because if I weren't in London, this wouldn't be so difficult. Then again, I'm not really financially capable of coming home right away. But we won't get into that now.

He had said to me how his relationship with God had changed as a result of meeting me, and although it was very nice to hear, I wasn't sure exactly what he meant. Yesterday, I had my revelation.

All my life I've wanted to get married. I remember praying for it since I was very young. I loved Psalms 37:4, because it promised that he would give me the desires of my heart, and that is the main one. So in the past few years, when I felt like I was just waiting, waiting and waiting, I wondered when God was going to make good on his promise. I did trust him, but at the same time, I was getting quite impatient.

And then I met Andy. It's the first time in my life when I can really point to something (someone) and say 'that's my answered prayer'. It makes my trust and faith in the Lord so much stronger, because there is solid evidence that he heard me, had someone in mind and brought it out at the perfect time. Of course, His plans were 100x better than I could ever have imagined or deserved.

Of course, that all gets very complicated when you think of me staying in London, which is why Andy's last post was so comforting. I was so convinced in the first couple weeks that he would find it much more convenient to just date someone who is actually in the same state than it would be to have to make do with skype dates on the weekends. I'm very happy he is willing to wait.

I know there are a few different answers on the poll to your right. This next week I have an interview with a recruitment agency (which probably won't amount to anything immediately) and then an interview at a college. When I turned in the application, I was reasonably sure I would be called back for an interview, so now I hope I do well at the interview. This is a one year contract, so would terminate in November of next year.

I'm really trying to listen hard to what God wants me to do on this one. I over-analyse things a lot (as you may have guessed) so sometimes 'giving it up to God' is not the easiest thing for me to do. Maybe there is no right or wrong, as Sarah said, it's between better and best.

Things will get interesting in the next few weeks. Your prayers are much appreciated.

Worth it? You Bet!

I agree with everything in Emily's last post - especially the last part.

So I have started a new 'tradition' of sorts in my morning routine today. For 15 minutes I will pray for Emily and I. You might be wondering what those prayers are about and I will admit that a majority of the time sounds like this, "Thank you so much for Emily! Thank you so much for Emily! Thank you so much for Emily!" But I also have been praying for her work situation and even my schooling synchronizing with my time with her. I pray that I am becoming the man of God she needs and she is becoming the woman of God I need. I pray for her safety. I pray that she can pick up on everything that God is trying to teach her and myself for that matter. I pray for help in protecting our hearts and learning how to protect them. I pray that the both of us will be rescued when the temptation is too much. I pray that I would only have affection for Emily and would not spread my heart to multiple girls - even if it is just in my head. I pray that same prayer for her. I pray that when the time soon comes that God would keep us both in check and remind us that our love for Him comes before our love for each other.

So that is pretty much the content of the prayer, but the setting for this particular morning was special too. After I got washed and dressed for the day I decided to have my cereal out on my new apartment's balcony. My apartment is on the third story directly looking out to the Superstition Mountains as well as Four Peaks. It is an amazing view. What made it better is that when I began my cereal and prayer time was the exact moment the sun started to rise above the horizon. It had rained hard yesterday, so the clouds in our immediate atmosphere were still thick. When the sun burst forward to just the right of the Superstition Mountains all shades of red, orange, purple, and bright white shot across my scenery. It was one of the most beautiful sunrises I can even remember seeing in my life.

The nature of the sunrise changed over the course of the 15 minutes. It seemed that as the sunrise change so did the nature of my prayers. At first when it was dark and the sun had went behind a cloud for a moment I was praying for my side of our relationship. But as the sun came out of hiding and spread its light farther over the sky and the Phoenix valley my thoughts turned to Emily and God working on her side of this equation. At the end of this time I felt deep angst. Maybe it was feelings of impatience mixed with greed, or even puppy dog love combined with pity. But more than anything in the world at that moment I wanted Emily to have experienced that sunrise at my side. Yeah yeah, I know we will have plenty of sunrises in the future - but I wanted us to have that one too. I want us to have tomorrow's and the next. But we can't and so I'm left with a question. Is it still worth it?

Jacob thought it was.

Genesis 29:18 says this, "Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel."

This story is actually pretty jacked up but there is something special in it that God has taught me. Jacob loved Rachel so much that even before he could have any type of physical intimacy with her, he worked for her father 7 hard years to earn her. She was worth 7 years, no biggie. If you know the story then you know that at the end of the 7 years Rachel's father tricked Jacob and gave Jacob his other daughter whom Jacob did not love. Jacob is stuck with this sister, Leah the ugly one, and still thinks Rachel is worth it. So for a whole other set of 7 years he works for his scumbag father-in-law to earn a relationship with Rachel.

Talk about a perspective shifter. Here I am whining to myself that I can't be with my girlfriend for maybe a year tops - because waiting is so hard. Then you have Jacob who worked manual labor for over 14 years to be with this woman Rachel. Rachel was worth a long distance relationship to Jacob in the sense he could not have that relationship with her even while he worked there. He knew he couldn't have her until he'd served his time and he still went for it.

Emily is sooooooooo worth it to me. There is no other girl I know in my life that I would rather pursue because the long distance thing was too much of a restraint. There is no reason imaginable to me why we can't wait a year to be with one another.

The passage goes on and says in verse 20, "So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her."

She is worth it to me. Besides it's, "only a few days...."

Run that by me again?

I think Andy's last post sums everything up really well. What might be difficult for some people to swallow is that our relationship so far has been a) quick and b) unconventional. Let me explain...

"So... you've only been speaking since the end of August, and you're already in a relationship?"

How is it that we can already be so sure of this when we haven't even known each other for little more than a month and a half? As Andy pointed out, we've already shared so much with each other, and with only half a regard to how long we've been speaking or what's happening around us. I've told him things that I've never told anyone before. He has quickly become one of my closest friends.

It's normal for friendships to develop so quickly, is it not? What makes this so much deeper is what we've shared, and what we are both looking for in the future. The move of going 'in a relationship' on facebook, as he mentioned before, is because I have no thoughts of 'what if this doesn't work?' or 'maybe I'll still meet someone else'. In my book, that is more than enough reason to paste it all over facebook and wherever else I can, because it's already on my heart.

Of course, in today's society, that's now how 'dating' or 'relationships' work. You don't have 'the talk' until you've known each other for a while, or at least have dated casually for a bit, and then decide to be exclusive. But that all depends on what you're looking for in the first place. I'm not looking for someone to date, someone to hang around with who will make me feel pretty and not lonely. I'm looking for the rest of my life, and it has to be with a certain calibre of man. Once that was quickly established, what else is there to do but be excited and want things to move as quickly as possible? With the distance, a facebook relationship status is about the biggest thing we can do, so we wasted no time.

"So... you guys haven't even been in the same room together, and you're already in a relationship?"

Andy's previous post explained the definition of a relationship, so I don't think I need to do much to answer this one. Why would it make a difference if we haven't physically met before? Thanks to whichever genius invented Skype, we have been able to speak face-to-face for quite a while now. Theoretically speaking, this is the same as sitting across from someone and having a conversation. Of course, there is a great difference when you are in someone's presence, but for the relationship we're building, that is taking place daily. When we finally meet in St Louis, I imagine we'll feel quite spoiled, and it makes those days that much more precious and valuable.

As he also mentioned, this distance will make the foundation of our relationship rock solid. There will never be a point when we wonder if it went too quickly for any reason, because we are taking our time. Maybe it's not ideal, but in the long run it will make our relationship that much stronger.

Before I really knew him, when we had just started emailing, I was having some of these thoughts as well. My mind was still judging things based on society's definition. I would think about how this isn't the way it's supposed to happen. I had a million different ways that I was going to meet the guy for me, and none of them involved email, and especially not 5,000 miles between us. But now I could not care less how everyone else thinks things are supposed to go; this is what's happening with us. Take it or leave it.

Of course there's all the talk about 'just knowing' when someone is right for you. That all sounds well and good for someone who 'just knows', but what about the rest of us out here, trying to figure out how we can get onto the movie set that seems to be your life. Tell me something real, some serious way that I will know, without a doubt, that this guy is for me. Their answer: I can't explain it, you just know. Gee, thanks, how descriptive.

My Aunt told me that he was just driving her down the road after picking her up for their first date, and she 'just knew'. How romantic... but, really? Does it really happen that way?

We were just skyping for the first time, and I 'just knew'. I can't explain it, I just know.

Hallelujah.

[Keeping] the Distance

The new movie, "Going the Distance," aka Drew Barrymore's Cougar Sexcapades, is not a good model for long distance relationships. Emily has seen it and I have only read up on it but it seems that the whole premise is how can these 2 people still experience a sexual relationship with each other while still being long distance away. So I titled this "Keeping the Distance," to illustrate how opposite our long distance relationship is from that movie.

Anyways, I am looking forward to the fruits this relationship has to bring. I think a lot of the temptation that Emily and I could normally face will not even be an option because of not being in the same country. Both of us are pretty fast paced and once we know we want something then we will go after it if it is worth it. That being said, the long distance aspect will almost force us to slow down and make sure we are not rushing into anything. Then again, I did pretty much convince her to get the relationship status changed on Facebook with some inception - it only took 5 layers of dreams to make her think it was her own idea!

In the meantime I am trying to answer a question posed by one of the middle school girls at the church I work for. Basically, this girl asked how could we consider that we were 'dating' when we had never met before in person and could not be in each other's presence for only a few precious days in St. Louis. I explained prior to this that we had been talking since the end of August and I think she was more surprised of the shortness of the month than with the long distance aspect of our relationship. I know she is just a tween, but I still think it is a good question to at least address.

Regardless of who asked it, the question is still there to be answered. Answering it depends on where you are coming from and more specifically how you define dating regardless of the distance. If dating is defined as just a close relationship between a guy and a girl to spend time in one another presence, texting "i luv u", and experiencing one another physically on varying degrees; then alright you're right Emily and I are not dating. Then again that is the scope of a middle schooler's definition of a dating relationship. However, if you look at dating in the context of God and our lives as Christ-followers then you end up at an entirely different destination.

The destination, or definition in this case, is based on how God views dating. This is a concise succinct definition, so calm down all you courtship freaks out there. If dating is defined as a growing relationship between a man and a woman (Children of God) that are primarily investing in one another emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to confirm that they are right for marriage from the start with little if any physical intimacy; then yes Emily and I are dating. With a heavy focus on the growing part, but still definitely dating.

What about all those Christian couples we read about who saved their first kiss, if not holding hands, for the wedding altar? Or the couples that do plenty of things together, including making out, but have never sat down and just talked or have begun talking at night and before they knew it the sun came up at dawn? How about the couple that are physically handicapped and do not even have the possibility of physical intimacy but have still been together for 5 years? And of course, what about the couple who are temporarily separated by distance that have shared the bulk of their identity's with each other in the past month and have grown a fondness for one another that is nothing but pure?

Do any of these couples get disqualified from the definition because an element was missing from their relationship? No. In fact, although I did not intend it - all of those situations could have been the same couple just somewhere else on the "growing" timeline. At the same time I do understand where that girl was coming from; simply put, her definition of dating is probably based on the world's instead of God's. (Note to yourself, this is a girl whose opinion on dating I've heard in more diverse situations than this).

Our relationship is going to be different. And I am already proud of that. Not because of what we will accomplish for ourselves, but what God will help us create by seeing each other the way he sees us. In the future, I will not be one of those husbands who cannot sit down and talk with his wife or listen to what happened to her that day. At that time, Emily will not be the wife that constantly miscommunicates with her husband because she doesn't know where he is coming from in his thinking or how he expresses himself. Because of this relationship, we will both be able to appreciate one another as individuals before even having a chance to appreciate one another thru the other 3 senses aside from hearing and seeing (aka Skype). If and when this works it will be very hard pressed for us to not appreciate each other's physical presence in the same room. We will be so unaccustomed to it, at least at first, that we will consider it a privilege.

Maybe these all sound like high hopes and well wishing. I don't think so, I think Emily and I are going to be more than just fine. Not in spite of the long distance fact, but because of it.

What are your thoughts honey?

(Oh snap, he used the pet name)

Spoiled

So here is my first post for this, as Andy said, epic Epic of epic-ness. You will have to forgive my British spellings and phrases, if they crop up. One thing about working in communications in England is that you can't afford to keep your old spellings, so I have phased out my American Zs and added some Us to words that normally don't have them.

My relationship history is not exactly extensive, but it is a bit complicated. Let's just say there are some things in it of which I'm not very proud. Even though it was hard admitting this to him, he was so patient and understanding; it felt like more than I deserved. It seems strange that it's only been a month that we've been speaking, because I can tell that our bond is growing exponentially. Although the distance is going to be a major bummer, especially after we finally meet in a couple weeks, I think it will ensure that our bond is set in stone by the time I move back to Arizona. As you can see in the poll on the right, that could be as soon as next week.

As I'm looking for a new job, I'm trying to find a contract that will get me home next year. The problem is there are fewer contract jobs than there are permanent jobs, and whatever length I get, I will have to work to its completion. I'm not financially stable enough to move back to Arizona right now, so I don't know what's going to happen. I hope it becomes more clear in the next few weeks.

Not to try and one-up him, but I think that I will be continually amazed at how great Andy is as time goes on. All those years I prayed to God for someone who was just right for me, and true to form, God delivered and then some. I feel like I'm a bit spoiled, because even from this brief interaction I can tell that he is someone who will bless me in a lot of ways.

I hope this was interesting enough for a first post. I've always found that my writing is not very creative; more of just a description of the few things I'm worrying about at any given point. I'm sure in a couple weeks I'll have something to write on for days on end. That is, of course the epic first meeting of the Gibboris.

Until then, my faithful reader(s).

Long Distance Relationship, ahh Long Distance Shmalationship!

First off, I can't believe how amazing Emily is. So the fact that we are doing a Blog together is almost surreal for me. I guess since this is the first post I should give a quick little relationship bio on myself.

Relationship Autobiography:

No serious relationships, ever. Pointless dating my freshmen year at ASU. Ran around like a chicken with its head cut off at a Christian College for almost 2 years feeling the urgency to get a "ring by spring." Didn't happen. Decided to wait until after I graduated to even start thinking about thinking to find someone to start pursuing. Boomshakalaka, several months later I am let known of Emily's existence by Sarah Voris, her sister-in-law. I work with Emily's brother Eric at Spring of Life Christian Church in Mesa, AZ. Emily and I started Facebook messaging August 27 - which in turn progressed to longer emails, Skype dates, and even a super secret Vlog. After an eight hour Skype date on October 1, 2010 we decided that we were both off the market because of each other and subsequently made it official on Facebook the next day.

I think it is going to be interesting to see what this blog turns into. Yeah sure, it is another great excuse for Em and I to flirt. Granted that, I think we're going to learn a lot thru it. Not just the little things like dating as a Christian, but also what that means in the context of living 5281 miles from one another. I think it is going to be an amazing journey and this will surely be an epic chronicle of it. I'm really interested to see how we approach this relationship in this blog once we've actually been in one another's physical presence later this month in St. Louis, MO.

Alright, not going too deep down the rabbit's hole in this post since it is the first one. Emily it is your turn, blog about whatever. BRING IT ON!