I have been going through many similar thoughts as Emily has in terms of 'unworthy.' Of course, I feel unworthy of God's love - but at the same time, who am I to place the value on love that only belongs to the creator himself?
As for my relationship with Emily, I definitely feel like I am not worthy of her most of the time. In fact, she calls me out on it. I think for me I am battling the "Ugly Duckling," syndrome. As an adolescent and even into my first year of College I was pretty overweight. For those of you who know my history, you know it was because I was constantly on medical steroids treating my asthmatic symptoms that have a major side effect of weight gain. So yes I wasn't what you would call 'hot' as a teenager.
But these feelings of inadequacy that I battle extend pass just appearances. In the environment I grew up I had positive and negative influences - just like anyone else. Except in many aspects how I placed myself in my worldview was greatly scarred. I grew up around drug dealers, criminals, hard-hearted people and constantly in the presence of those that some would consider the scum of the earth. Do I hate or regret them? No, in fact I have feelings of compassion for them now. When I was a teenager, oh yeah, but not now.
Because of hanging around those people I assumed I would adopt more or less their live stories. In that world that my parents dragged me in to, there was no "true love" between couples. There were no signs of affection that didn't have at least one string of manipulation attached. What I did see in abundance was a multitude of people settling for less. And since I didn't have that great of a self image to start off with, the less than me person I would end up with was practically a nightmare. That was then.
But now we're in the present and you think that would be gone, right? "Andy is more mature now and has surrounded himself in a much better environment. Not to mention he has gone from an ugly status to an okay-looking image, so that has to clear everything up .... right?"
Maybe somewhat and yes I have a healthy self image. But when it comes right down to it, Emily leaves me speechless. So much so that I can't even think of a great enough man that can deserve Emily, let alone having her be a settling option. And yet here I am in a relationship with her not knowing how to adequately display my love for her. I really struggled with this speechlessness this last weekend and so to the best of my ability I funneled my creativity into communicating a snippet of my love for her via a video.
First Tangent Video:
Our lives are going to change in so many ways after December 11th. I think by then this speechlessness will turn into something else. For instance, we will no longer be in a "long-distance" relationship. Duh, no-brainer! So a lot of the E-mailing and chat will subside. The vlog will probably disappear all together because of how incredibly obsolete it will become. Last but not least is the blog that you are reading from right now. Emily and I are already discussing how we will be changing the direction of it. We don't know for sure, but I guarantee that the quality of communication will greatly increase along with clarity. When we are together we can simply show how much we love each other by doing things for each other like surprise scavenger hunts, shouting "I love you" in a public/crowded place, helping the other with a chore, and the list goes on and on.
In the meantime, I'm left speechless. I've seen her, held her, kissed her, and made videos about her - yet still it almost feels like a fairy tale.
Do I believe in love? Yes. Do I believe love is something worth waiting for? Yes. Do I believe under no circumstance should you ever settle for something less than true love. Yes.
I don't recall if I've ever shared this story on the blog, but here it goes:
Second Tangent Video:
Do I think I deserve Emily or that Emily deserves me? Well, I think that's the wrong question to ask because that's not what love is about. True love is not entirely deserved or earned.
The Bible tells us this about love in:
Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
1 John 4:16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."
Love is bigger than our ability to make sense of it. Love is not something you can earn like a merit badge. It's not a video game, it's real. No, it's more than real. In many ways it is divine. To the best of our knowledge, Love is only made available to humans and angels while the rest of creation is left out. God created the possibility for us to love each other.
For that, I am greatly appreciative and ... speechless.
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